“As part of our Controversy program, we have a special guest today.

“There seems to be unending talk about gun control, so I thought we’d bring in someone who knows the subject intimately.
“We’re pleased to have with us today a very special guest. Mr. A. Gun.”

“How are you today, Mr. Gun?”
“I’m doing just fine. Thank you for having me.”
“Somebody told me you were very capable and intelligent.”
“True. I am.”
“What all can you do?”
“I can move around – with a little help. I can shoot things like people, animals, road signs – with a little help.”
“How do you do that?”
“Well, it’s not easy. You see I need a little help.”
“What kind of help?”
“If you’ll give me a hand here, I’ll show you? No, you’ll have to touch me – or actually hold me. I love being held in a nice warm hand. I don’t like cold hands.”
“How do you want me to hold you?”
“Wrap your hand around my grip here. That’s it. Good. Oh, that feels so good. Some people call that a butt, but I don’t want you to feel bad about holding my butt, so I call it a grip. … Ah, Yes. You’ve got nice warm hands.”
“Thank you.”
“Did I tell you? … I love being held.”
“Are you loaded?”
“Yes. I’m always loaded. You never know when I’ll be needed for something exciting. A little excitement in life is always good. Not too much excitement, though.”

“What’s your purpose in life?”
“To shoot off. I enjoy shooting off. That’s my purpose, my passion in life. It gives my barrel a nice warm feeling.”
The interviewer starts to put the gun down.
“No don’t put me down. Didn’t I tell you? … I love being held.”
The interviewer continues holding Mr. Gun.
“Someone told me that guns have different personalities. Is that true?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’m pretty much a stay-at-home kinda guy, unless I can con – I mean get – somebody to take me out.”
“What else is there about you?”
“I don’t know. I’m a pretty simple guy.”
“What about your relatives? Some of them seem to be causing a stir around the nation, and even the world.”
“So I hear. I don’t really have any part in that. I get unjustly blamed for a lot of things I don’t do.”
“I understand. But your relatives have been killing a lot of people lately – even police officers. Some people blame your relatives for all of those.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard about those. But there was another case I heard about in Africa. Some dentist named Walter Palmer killed a lion named Cecil. The dentist got blamed for that, and rightly so, not my relative. He just used my relative. It seems a little inconsistent to blame my relatives for something when someone else just uses them.”
“I see your point. But I’m sure some people will disagree.”

“What about gun control? Some people are saying we need more gun control. How do you feel about that?”
“I think I have enough control on my own. I don’t need any more.”
“How do you control yourself?”
“I just sort of lie around.”
“How would you feel if people got rid of you and all your relatives?”
“You mean so I wouldn’t exist any more? And my relatives wouldn’t either? I don’t think I’d like that. I’ve got some big powerful relatives. Maybe I ought to talk to them.”
“Do you think America should keep the Second Amendment?”
“I don’t know anything about a Second Amendment. What is that?”
“It says that citizens have rights to own guns.”
“I’m in favor of that. If that wasn’t true, then maybe I wouldn’t exist. I like existing.”
“Well, I appreciate your speaking with us today, Mr. Gun. It’s been a pleasure.”
“Thank you. I enjoyed it, too. By the way, you may continue holding my grip. I like the feel of that.”
“I don’t think so.”

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